These are my personal thoughts not necessarily intended for your pleasure. But I know that I am not the only person out there who has similar thoughts at times. Prayerfully my words of frustration may help someone else know that they are not alone. Over the next ten days, I will be blogging about my feelings and my thoughts about certain situations that are going on in my life. In my journey to encourage you all to be the most beautiful person God created you to be, I want you to see and understand that sometimes, we all go through hard times, but there is still no excuse for not walking in your destiny. I am not perfect, nor do I claim to be, this is just my chosen avenue to express what I am feeling right now in my life. I am not concerned with whether you like it or agree with it. But I do hope it helps…
Believe me, I have tried to fight. I have tried to run. I have tried to hide. But He even says in His word “…If I make my bed in Hell, You are there…” Psalms 139:8 When we really take time to think about it, there is absolutely no point in trying to fight with God. We can kick, scream, threaten, rebel, curse, and what ever else you can figure out to do, it does not matter. It is all pointless, because whatever God has purpose to do in your life HE WILL DO!!! There is nothing that you can say or do to hinder His time frame or change His mind. This is why God so awesome. His word WILL NOT come back to Him void (Isaiah 55:11). I mean really, would you want to serve a God that gives you broken promises? I didn’t think so.
But that still leaves me in the position of being angry, scared and resistant. My friends have even compared me to the likes of Moses and Jonah. Moses because he spent 40 years wandering in the desert because he ran from God and Jonah, who thought he could run and hide from God, but instead ended up the in belly of a whale when he rebelled. And in my stubbornness, I have whole-heartedly agreed with both comparisons. Did I already know? Of course I did. But that didn’t stop me from ignoring the call and trying to convince myself that if no one else noticed or said anything, then maybe it wasn’t true.
I don’t think I am worthy, but it is obviously not my call to make. He says that “…my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways…” so it is not for me to see or even understand how this will all happen. He only wants me to be willing, as a matter of fact, He really doesn’t need me to be willing. If I continue to be stubborn and rebel, I will find myself in a position where I will be begging Him to use me as I pray for forgiveness of my disobedience. A very dear friend told me today that “as we grow in faith, God wants, expects, and requires more” from us. To be honest, I don’t want anymore. I am content where I am, to a point. I mean, I would like to get just a little bit closer to Him, but not enough to invoke REAL change or deliverance in my life. I was comfortable not getting too close, yet stay close enough that I wasn’t going to burn in hell when I die.
But that is not really the way this all works. I can’t expect to live an abundant life without submitting myself completely and totally to Him. I can’t cry and moan and complain to Him about how bad my life is if I won’t accept His plan for it. I can’t be mad and give up on God, when I really haven’t allowed Him to fix the problems. And when I think about it, I have no where else to go. I have been serving Him for so long, that reverting back to the ways of the world is not an option. I couldn’t go back if I wanted to. I have His scent all over me. It’s almost like running away to a city that you haven’t visited since you were a young child. Everything is so unfamiliar to you, and although many people know and remember who you used to be, you can no longer claim this place as your home. You look different, think different, act different, and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t get comfortable in that place anymore. It’s not like it used to be.
Basically I have found myself in a position where I can continue to resist-and suffer, or I can submit and wait and watch God work a miracle in my life, because that is EXACTLY what it is going to take from Him to get me to where He wants me to be. It’s going to be long and difficult, and I will probably starting fighting all over again tomorrow, but we all know what the outcome will be.
Pray for me and if you happen to run into me on facebook, twitter, or in person, encourage me, please. Remind me of Matthew 28:20 “…and be sure of this, I am with you always, even until the end of the age…”
Be Blessed!
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