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NEVER GIVE UP!!!!

19 May

 

So I know you all have been wondering where I have been over the past few months.  Well, to be honest, I kinda let life get the better of me.  Things got busy and things got crazy and things got away from me.  At first, I wanted to give up and just say forget it and I almost did.  But then I remembered that the only person that stops me from doing everything I want to do is me.  I am the one that keeps saying its too hard.  I am the one that keeps doubting whether or not I can do it.  I am the one who is too scared to try.

One of my high school friends graduated from college last weekend with her Ph.D.  It was an overwhelming exhilarating and humbling experience for me.  As I watch in the ceremony, I was in awe of the number or graduates, the diversity of the degrees, and the expanse of the generational gaps that where represented.  Their ages ranged from early thirties to late sixties.  It was AMAZING!!  And it give me a boost of confidence to know that I, too can achieve each and every goal that I set for myself.

Some days are better than others, but on those days that I feel like nothing I do is right or that its never going to get better, I have to remember that I am good enough and that things WILL get better.  And I am not the only person depending on me.  In addition to my children, all of you are looking at me and my story in hopes that if I can do it, you can too.  I am also inspiring the young women in my neighborhood and encouraging the older ones.  I can’t give up.  I can’t let the life have its way with me.  I have to dig deep and fight back! This isn’t new to me.  I was born a fighter and I can do this.

No more will I be intimidating by what I see in front of me.  Gone are the days where I don’t even try for fear that no one will appreciate it or even care, or that I am not good enough.  As a matter of fact, if you aren’t here to encourage me, keep it moving.  There are places that I am about to go that not everyone is ready for.  When I walk across the stage to receiving my PhD, it will be the proudest moment of my life.  But if I let fear and worry and doubt keep me from even trying, then all I will be left with is regret.  I don’t want to get older and regret not doing something.  I want to say that I lived my life to the fullest and enjoyed every minute of it.

The bible reminds us that we can do ALL things through Christ.  That means that EVERY mountain we face, we CAN conquer it. That doesn’t mean that it won’t be difficult or that you won;t feel like giving up.  What it does mean, is that you will win!!  Just hold one, keep fighting and NEVER GIVE UP!!!

‘Til death do us part…

27 Jan

I, _____, take you ______, to be my wedded husband/wife. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, ’till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

Many of us say and recite these words at our wedding ceremony without really understanding the depth and significance of them.  Many of us hear them and get nostalgic at the thought of getting married and all the Good that comes with the title. But many of us also fail to realize that these words are an outward confession before God and man that you will be there through the good AND the bad!!!  Yes, there are many bad things that can happen; job less, abuse, infidelity, childlessness.  And although all of those situations are extremely stressful and difficult to overcome, many people fail to realize the impact and magnitude that death can bring.  I was unfortunate enough to have to deal with this at a very young age.  I will say that it was the HARDEST thing that I have ever had to deal with in my life and it has taken me a LONG time to do so.  My prayer is that my words here will not only bring light to the turmoil and severity of grief, but encouragement for someone that not all days will be crying days and that it is ok to let go.  It is a continual process, but the day will come when you can smile genuinely again.

I remember it as clearly as if it happened yesterday.  I was talking to my sponsor while in-processing at my very first duty station after completing Army basic training.  He asked if I had any family coming and I proudly and confidently replied that my husband was only a few hours away.  He was driving from Va to Ga in our brand new car.  We had only been married 5 months and I spent 4 of those in Army training.  We were excited to start our life together, young, full of expectation, and ready for the world.  Little did I know, but at the moment that I was allowing myself to fly forward into our future in my imagination, he was hurdling uncontrollably into the opposite direction of traffic into the the direct path of two tractor trailers.  The impact was fatal, so he felt no pain.  At least, that is what they told me.  But how could I not torment myself for the next several years over the fact that he probably knew that things weren’t going to end well as he watched himself barreling towards those trucks, fighting to control the wheel.  The consultation, they said, was that he was not drunk, speeding, sleepy, or distracted. REALLY?!?! Was that supposed to make me feel better?!?!?

To add insult to injury, I did not even find out about the accident until 12 hours later when I called my dad after my husband did not show up at the time we had discussed.  Maybe he got lost? Or stopped somewhere to rest and would be there a little later.  The furthest thing from my mind was that something as horrible as a car accident would take him from me.  My father was near hysteria when I called him.  You see, the authorities assumed that I was also in the car and spent several hours attempting to find my body that they thought was thrown from the car.  Because we were moving, my husband had many of my things in the car with him which lead the authorities to think that I was with him.  The last time I saw my husband was from the window of the airport as he was waving goodbye to me as my flight was taking off.  I remember begging him to let me stay and make the drive with him and him insisting that I needed to sign in on time and not be delayed.  This was my first duty station and he wanted to make sure that I made a good impression on my leadership. I can’t tell you how many times I prayed and wished that I had insisted on not leaving him.  I beat myself up for years about how if I had been with him, the accident may not have happened or at least we would have died together…

Little did I know that finding out about the accident was the easy part.  The next 14 years, I spent blaming myself, cursing myself, and sabotaging my own success because I didn’t feel worthy to live.  Why should I be successful or find happiness when he died?  I let guilt tell me that I had no right to find love anywhere else, and I let the world tell me how I should mourn and react to his death.  For years, I ran away from close relationships and ostracized myself from friends and family for fear that if I cared too much about anyone, then they would suffer the same fate.  You see, I had convinced myself that I was the reason he died.  It was all my fault. And if anyone ever found out then the same thing would happen to them.  I played over and over in my head horrible scenarios of the people I knew dying in plane crashes and car accidents.  And when I had children, I became paralyzed with fear that they would die soon as well. I never wanted to have them out of my sight.  No, they couldn’t visit family, friends, or any one else.  They couldn’t have friends over because I didn’t want to be responsible if something happen to another child under my watch.  Oh, and that was just the beginning.

Success became something that I never took seriously because I had convinced myself that just living each day was enough punishment for me.  That is what I was doing.  I had been punishing myself for his death. He was his mother’s oldest child, only son, and the first grandchild.  He was the love of his entire family and anyone else who knew him. Yet he chose me.  A nobody.  I never felt special growing up, yet in high school, he thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world.  But why did I have to take him from his family?!?! If he had never married me, if he had never left to be with me, if we had never met…then he would still be alive today.  This guilt wracked my emotions so badly that I even stayed away from his family feeling that they hated me and had every right to.  I took away their son, their brother, their nephew, their cousin.  I was the enemy.

I sought counseling at one point.  But that only made things worse.  The first counselor that I saw was in remission of her cancer when we started our sessions.  Sadly, within 3 months of meeting with her, the cancer came back with a vengeance and claimed her life. If that wasn’t enough to shake my already frail mental and emotional state, the exact some thing happened with the next counselor I saw!!  I am not sure if she lived because as soon as she told me the cancer was back, I stopped seeing her hoping that my bad luck would fall off of her.  I would not be able to handle the thought of someone else dieing because of me.  I know that sounds ridiculous, but this is the reality of where I was at the time.  I couldn’t see and understand that these circumstances had nothing to do with me.  All I could see was that I was the common denominator.

We got married young. I was 17 and he was 18.  I was not old enough or mature enough to understand that ’til death do us part meant exactly that. So every time I started a new relationship, I began to feel like I was cheating om my husband.  I never gave any of them a fighting chance.  I didn’t deserve happiness, and on top of that, how was I going to explain this new man to my husband when we all died and got to heaven.  I would imagine my husband being furious and hurt that I had moved on and found someone new.  How could I so easily replace him? What happened to all the love I proclaimed?  This was the hardest part for me.  How could I truly move on? I had pledged my life to this man, and I took those vows seriously.  Every year, I forced myself to relive the agony of his death in order to stay focused on why I could never let him go.  I had convinced myself that this is how I am supposed to feel, to live.  I am NEVER supposed to forget. Yet that is exactly what started to happen…

I started to forget his voice, his touch, his face. And I became angry at myself all over again for not holding up my end of the deal.  He died, the least I could do is remember him!! Yes, I still have pictures of him, but I shouldn’t have to look at a picture to remember that man I profess before God and man to love for eternity.  But that’s it. That’s the revelation that I overlooked.  I didn’t promise eternity.  I promised til death. ‘Til death do us part means that when he died, my vow was broken.  That wasn’t a bad thing, it just meant that it was just over.  It is ok to forget sometimes.  I don’t expect to remember him exactly when I am 50. And he doesn’t care at this point because he is GONE. Forever.  He is no longer of this world.  And truth be told, because he loved me so much, he would be hurt to know how much I put myself through all of these years.  He would not want me to be still holding on to him like this.  He would hug me and kiss me and tell me that it is ok and it is time to let him go.

The bible says to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. So that is where he is, with God.  Probably praying and making intercession for me.  Pleading with Jesus to ask His father to send peace to my heart.  Asking him to deliver me because for such a long time, I couldn’t see for myself that I needed deliverance.  Even now, as I type this, there are no tears falling.  For the time for tears has long since passed.  I thank and praise God that I was able to love him and cherish him for the time that he was with me, but he is gone now and I have to make room in my heart for the blessing that God has for me.  In order to do that, I have to serve an eviction notice to the guilt and fear that has lived there for so long.  As the Apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 15:55 “…Death has been swallowed in victory…O Death, where is your sting?…”

Today marks 14 years since I lost my first love. In the years past, I have always dreaded this day because it conjured old feelings of loss, pain, heartache, and longing. This day always reminded me of the happiness I lost and feared that I would never find again. This day has always had me regretful and depressed. But the time has come for me to let it go. I can no longer cry for him and wish things were different. He is gone and no matter how much I try, I can not bring him back. From this day forward, although I will NEVER forget you Frederick Antwan Johnson, I can no longer mourn your death, I must celebrate your life. Every year the guilt of possibly forgetting you and how much you meant to me, yet not being able to visit your grave as I’d like has kept me from letting you go. But I can’t continue to allow that devil to hold me hostage, stuck in the past. I love you and will never forget you, but from this day forward may you rest in peace. 7/22/79-1/27/98

Be Blessed!!

Reflecting on the Year…

31 Dec

As we prepare to close this year out and begin another, I took time today to reflect on this year and everything that came with it.  This has definitely been a trying year for me.  I can not for certain say that I am ended it better than I started, but I can say that I am ending it a much different person than I started.  I saw myself as I haven’t ever seen me before. I gained and lost friends.  I inspired some and disgusted others.  I grew in some areas, and in others, I realized that I still have a lot of growing up to do.

This year, I became the mother of a pre-teen, and a very intelligent third-grader (I swear she has been here before. Lol).  I looked at my children this year and realized that they will not be mine forever, and that they aren’t even mine now.  My children are gifts on loan and this year taught me that I can only encourage them to cherish each day that they are given and to take full advantage of every opportunity and adventure that is afforded to them.  This year, I realized just how much my healthy outlook on my life and future affects them in EVERY way.  I realized that right now, I am all they have, so I have to be all that I can be so that they are free to do the same.

This year, I took a hard look at myself and saw all my flaws.  I saw everything that I failed to let go that was holding me back.  I saw all the things that I ignored and hoped would just go away because my fear paralyzed me and would not allow me to be free.  This year, I saw the person I was and no longer want to be.  I understood that this change HAS to start inside of me and started taking baby steps to make it happen.  This year, I attempted to set aside every thing that has kept me full of JUNK and tried to really and truly let it go.  I did not succeed in everything, but I learned that it can be done.  And that it actually hurts less than you think.

This year, I did my best to stop buffering myself from the hardness and the pain of difficult circumstances.  I got stronger, and started to tear down some walls. There are still quite a few left, but for me…it’s a start.  I have a long road ahead of me, but I am confident and on my way to a more healthy relationship with myself because of the steps I have taken this year.

2012 will be very different for me and my family. I will no longer be afraid of myself and my potential.  I will learn to embrace it and drive full speed ahead into my destiny and the life that God called me to lead.  This may not make sense to many of you, but it makes perfect sense to me.  This year, I realized that my beautiful was not in the sway of my hips or the curve of my smile.  It is not in the seduction of my voice or the power of my walk.  My beauty is found in the confidence that I have in myself, the faith  I have in God, and the fear that I am learning to overcome each and every day.  My beauty is the the relationships I have with the people in my life.  My beauty is in the love my children have for me and the love I return to them.  My beauty is in realizing my worth, and if I haven’t learned anything else in 2011, I learned to love me for who I am.

My prayer today for each if you is to find this same peace in the coming year if you have not already.  Beauty is not measured by what we see on TV or by what another individual thinks of us.  It is measured by the person staring back at us when we look in the mirror.  When they say that ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder,’ they are talking about you.  When you look at yourself and see yourself as beautiful, there is nothing that anyone can say or do that will change the way you view the world.

Happy New Year!!

Be Blessed!

You are good enough just the way you are!!

14 Dec

I had an interesting conversation with my children today about popularity, self-esteem, and self-acceptance.  I realized that even as young children, they deal with many, if not all of the same emotions that we as adults deal with.  It nearly broke my heart at the sound of my son rattling off to me all of the things that he thought was ‘wrong’ with him.  When I look at him, I see such a handsome young man, full of potential, ready to take on the world some day.  But he sees a totally different person when he looks in the mirror.  Even as a young man, he sees more flaws than he sees attributes.  My daughter is nearly obsessed with being thin, popular, the prettiest.  She craves and coerces any compliment she can get from someone and then basks in the thought that yet another person is confirming that she is, in fact, beautiful.

These observations tonight were an eye-opener for me in many ways.  On one hand, I really need to do a better job of pouring positive, Godly, affirmations over the lives of my children.  They need to hear from me EVERYDAY that they are wonderful and destined for great things.  I need to make sure that I am constantly encouraging them and expressing my joy and appreciation for who they are.  And I also need to make sure that I go overboard with their accomplishments. Over exaggerate how proud of them I am.  And constantly remind them of how beautiful the are.  On the other hand, I also need to be more mindful of what I say and do.  How I react to any given situation directly affects how they will react.  If I beat myself up over a mistake that I made, they will do the same.  If I walk around not believing in myself and not truly accepting myself for who I am, my children see that and will start behaving the same way.

Today, I saw myself in my son.  I saw the day that I decided that the person I am was not good enough for anyone and not worthy of anything good to happen.  I saw the day that I cried and cried and cried because I was angry at God for allowing me to live so long through so much.  I saw the time when I gave up my dreams and decided that there was no use for me to even try to achieve them because I wasn’t anybody special.  But I am old enough to understand that this type of reckless thinking is hazardous to my life.  I am wise enough to stop myself before I go too far.  And I have built my relationship with God, so I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me.  But my children are still learning these lessons.  They need to hear from me everyday that they are good enough just the way they are.  They need to be reminded daily that they are worthy and that they are precious and that their differences make them unique and their uniqueness makes them wonderful.

When we allow are children to just grow up instead of raising them, we allow destructive thinking to take root in their minds and in their hearts.  Once that seed is planted, it could take years to get rid of it.  Teaching them now to cast out those thoughts is key to preparing them for adversity in their adult life.  Understanding and learning to accept yourself is a key part of achieving any goal that you set in life.  Learning your limitations and restrictions places boundaries that you either chose to accept or learn to overcome.  But if we fail to pour into our children the proper tools of combating negative thinking, peer pressure, and destructive activities, then we have failed to fully equip them for this journey called life that they are soon about to embark on alone.  It is selfish of us to try to shield children from the world.  If they learn techniques on how to persevere now as young children, it won’t be as hard to adjust, adapt, and overcome as they grow older.

Let’s stop telling our children to suck it up when we should be helping them understand the struggles.  Le’s stop sugar-coating the pain instead of showing them how to overcome. Let’s stop perpetrating like things are perfect all the time and teach them how to be content with what they have.  Too many children are taking their own lives because of bullying.  Too many are resorting to crime because they want to keep up with their more affluent friends.  And too many are engaging in risky sexual activity because ‘everyone else is doing it.’  When we learn as children that we are good enough just the way we are, there is no intrigue with such risky behavior, we are have peace about who we are and feel no desire to prove ourselves to someone else just for their acceptance.  We have already accepted our self.  It is unfortunate that many adults, still have not come to this realization.

Everyday, speak over yourself, speak over your children.  There is power in your words, so choose them wisely.

Be Blessed!

Beauty’s only skin deep…

5 Dec

What’s your story? C’mon, everybody has one.  When did you decided to believe that you were beautiful?  What was the determining factor in your life that made you believe, regardless of what anyone else said, that you were beautiful?  And if you haven’t gotten there yet, what is it going to take?

Yes, we all have flaws, little imperfections about ourselves that we see more clearly than others.  We all have areas on our body that we wish were a little more round, a little flatter, or a little less…something.  But at some point we have a decision to make, either we are going to accept ourselves for who we are or decide to change what we don’t like.  At some point, each and every one of us has to make a decision to love the person we see when we look in the mirror, despite what someone else says or thinks.

Self-acceptance is the first step in seeing the beauty inside.  Too many times, we choose to hold on to and believe the negative comments that are thrown at us on a daily basis.  These comments come in the form of sarcasm from co-workers, suggestions from family, and inferences from commercials.  We are constantly fed counter-productive opinions of how we should look, think, feel, talk, and act.  Yet, we are never asked about our own opinion of the person we have become.  Aren’t you tired of being a replica?  Are you ready to be an original?

Take time today and really look at yourself.  Ignore all the things you consider flaws, and focus on the things you consider gorgeous. Dissect your beauty.  From the curve of you hips to the nape of your neck, discover the beauty in you.

Move!

30 Nov

Run with it

Let your life come fully and positively to life. You are here on this glorious day, so make the very most of it.

You have passions and interests, so pursue them. You have dreams and desires, so get busy and fulfill them.

You have unique perspectives and opinions, so express them. A magnificent, fascinating universe surrounds you, so experience it.

There are people about whom you care deeply. So give them your time, your attention, your love and fellowship.

You’ve already experienced yesterday, so don’t live it again today. This is a day to bring new and interesting and meaningful substance into your life.

On this very day you have the priceless opportunity to live. Take that opportunity, right now, and run with it as far and as high as you possibly can.

— Ralph Marston

You’re a Diva?

28 Nov

DIVA

*The Urban Dictionary defines a diva as a woman who must have her way exactly, or no way at all. often rude and belittles people, believes that everyone is beneath her and thinks that she is so much more loved than what she really is. selfish, spoiled, and overly dramatic. 

*Merriam-Webster defines a diva as a usually glamorous and successful female performer or personality <a fashion diva>; especially : a popular female singer <pop divas>

*Beyoncé defines a diva as a female version of a hustler.

Neither of these definitions are to be desired.  To see little girls aspiring to be divas when they grow up is upsetting.  I want my daughter to grow up to be a well-rounded, socially conscious, compassionate, beautiful woman.  I want her to be respected for her contributions to society and not her measurements.  I want her to be an example for other young ladies to follow because she learned the value of education and virtue and not how to make it clap in order to get what she wants.

There is nothing becoming about being rude, belittling, and treating others like they are beneath you.  Yes, I know Beyoncé produced a wildly successful song proclaiming the so-called power and influence that being a diva entails, but the reality is that she is able to do that because of the amount of success she has received.  But at what cost to our little girls?  Today, I took the time to sit down and talk with my daughter about why aspiring to become a diva is not a goal that I want her to have.  I needed to make sure she understood that an attitude of arrogance is not appropriate or ladylike.  I wanted her to understand that a virtuous, prosperous woman does not embrace those attributes, but instead strive to become a better woman.  And I reminded her that meekness, kindness, and goodness are characteristics that attract positive relationships and partnerships in her life.

The term ‘diva’ has been used so loosely these days that the original meaning of the word has almost been lost in translation.  But that does not give us the right as parents to neglect our responsibility to train up our children the right way.  How can we honestly expect our girls to respect themselves if we are allowing them to grow up thinking that everything has to be their way or they are not successful?  How can we expect our young men to treat them with dignity and respect when we allow them to brag about being a ‘Queen B?’  Ignorance is not bliss, neither is it an option.

Be Blessed

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