These are my personal thoughts not necessarily intended for your pleasure. But I know that I am not the only person out there who has similar thoughts at times. Prayerfully my words of frustration may help someone else know that they are not alone. Over the next ten days, I will be blogging about my feelings and my thoughts about certain situations that are going on in my life. In my journey to encourage you all to be the most beautiful person God created you to be, I want you to see and understand that sometimes, we all go through hard times, but there is still no excuse for not walking in your destiny. I am not perfect, nor do I claim to be, this is just my chosen avenue to express what I am feeling right now in my life. I am not concerned with whether you like it or agree with it. But I do hope it helps…
Dear Lord,
I know you are all powerful and your ways are perfect, but there are questions that I have that I hope you will answer. There are so many things that are wrong is this world. I know your initial intention was not for your children to live like this and you have provided us a means to be reconciled back to you through the death, burial, and resurrection of your son, Jesus. But I can’t help but wonder why you even allow things to go on as they do? I’m sure you see that many of us have grown stubborn in our hearts and refused to even believe that you exist. Others of us affirm your existence, but prefer to categorize you with other scientifically proven theories about the creation of life through a series of over-processed theories agreed upon by mortals who can not truly explain the hows and whats of their own life. There are others that have picked apart your word to create a form of religion that they use to justify to themselves that their version and understanding of how you are is the only acceptable way and any who do not believe in you as they do is an admonishment against you. And there are others of us who have accepted you as god in their own terms in their own way, only believing what they choose to believe as it relates to how they wish to live their life. At what point is enough enough?
Then there are people in this world that have used their knowledge and understanding of you to manipulate and coerce others to follow their path for your redemption only to improve their own personal quality of life. Thousands of people follow them believing that they are honest ad trustworthy and truly lead by you, only to find out during a bitter public scandal that their personal lives are a mess. Then, the ones that you truly have called are subjected to such ridicule and persecution. They give so much of themselves for your people and sacrifice time with their own families and for some, their own lives. They are forced to persuade skeptical members to believe in the power of your word and tithe and pay offering just so your house can be sustained. Then they are publicly scrutinized for each action they take and put on a pedestal and expected to be perfect when in reality, they are still human. And yet you called me and wonder why I run from you.
In my own life, I have tried to follow your word and stay focused on you only to fall short several times. I have begged and prayed, and begged and prayed for you to help me be a better person. So many people have taken my kindness for weakness and abuse me and my children. I have opened my heart to them and they have trampled over it, only after they have used up what ever they could get from me. I have loved and lost, loved and grieved, and love and been stabbed in the back, even after I prayed for your guidance about the relationship. I have made more mistakes and lacked belief in you. I’ve hated and loved you and cursed and begged for your forgiveness. I have walked away from you and ignored your people as they tried to help. I don’t pray or read your word like I should because I lack the tenacity to to stay focused and persevere even though the pain. I have refused to pray to you because of my sins and don’t believe that I am worthy of your blessings. Why would you bless me after all the wrong I have done?
And yet you called me?!?!? I don’t want this. You don’t want me. Why would anyone listen to me? I don’t trust people, I don’t like to get attached, I am moody, I am stubborn, and I am a single mother. People are not trustworthy, they stir up drama and trouble. They are nosy and hurtful. And I would much rather be left alone, only to deal with them on my terms. On top of all that, I am afraid of you. I am afraid that you will strip me of even more and I am not sure that I can take it. I have already lost one person that I loved very much, I don’t think I can handle losing anyone else. In addition, I want to go to school to finish my degree, but it seems that everything is against me. And now I find out that this was all in your plan to begin with. I’m not even sure if I want to finish now. Now I feel like if I don’t do things your way, my life is not going to get any better. As a matter of fact, it will probably get a whole lot worse. This is just not fair!!!! Where is the balance between walking your path for my life and still be who I am? You knew me in my mother’s womb, so you already knew how hard this would be for me. So tell me how to accept it. How do I let go of all those past hurts and frustrations enough to trust that your will for my life is sovereign and infallible? And then, what am I supposed to do now?
I guess I wrote all this just to ask…Why me, God? Why me?
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