NEVER GIVE UP!!!!

19 May

 

So I know you all have been wondering where I have been over the past few months.  Well, to be honest, I kinda let life get the better of me.  Things got busy and things got crazy and things got away from me.  At first, I wanted to give up and just say forget it and I almost did.  But then I remembered that the only person that stops me from doing everything I want to do is me.  I am the one that keeps saying its too hard.  I am the one that keeps doubting whether or not I can do it.  I am the one who is too scared to try.

One of my high school friends graduated from college last weekend with her Ph.D.  It was an overwhelming exhilarating and humbling experience for me.  As I watch in the ceremony, I was in awe of the number or graduates, the diversity of the degrees, and the expanse of the generational gaps that where represented.  Their ages ranged from early thirties to late sixties.  It was AMAZING!!  And it give me a boost of confidence to know that I, too can achieve each and every goal that I set for myself.

Some days are better than others, but on those days that I feel like nothing I do is right or that its never going to get better, I have to remember that I am good enough and that things WILL get better.  And I am not the only person depending on me.  In addition to my children, all of you are looking at me and my story in hopes that if I can do it, you can too.  I am also inspiring the young women in my neighborhood and encouraging the older ones.  I can’t give up.  I can’t let the life have its way with me.  I have to dig deep and fight back! This isn’t new to me.  I was born a fighter and I can do this.

No more will I be intimidating by what I see in front of me.  Gone are the days where I don’t even try for fear that no one will appreciate it or even care, or that I am not good enough.  As a matter of fact, if you aren’t here to encourage me, keep it moving.  There are places that I am about to go that not everyone is ready for.  When I walk across the stage to receiving my PhD, it will be the proudest moment of my life.  But if I let fear and worry and doubt keep me from even trying, then all I will be left with is regret.  I don’t want to get older and regret not doing something.  I want to say that I lived my life to the fullest and enjoyed every minute of it.

The bible reminds us that we can do ALL things through Christ.  That means that EVERY mountain we face, we CAN conquer it. That doesn’t mean that it won’t be difficult or that you won;t feel like giving up.  What it does mean, is that you will win!!  Just hold one, keep fighting and NEVER GIVE UP!!!

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It was all a dream…

29 Feb
Picture

Me, 6 months natural

I never in a million years thought I would be doing this.  I mean, me?  Really? No way!  I was the tomboy.  The girl who wanted to wrestle and play football.  I wore my relaxed hair in a ponytail so much that I was almost completely unrecognizable when it was curled.  I ran track in high school and promptly joined the Army right after just to prove how tough I was.  It’s funny how life changes and what you used to value and hold on to changes in a matter of minutes.

That change for me was the birth of my second child and only daughter.  I didn’t realize it then, but this child was going to make me a better woman, a better person.  She would challenge me to really look at myself and how I valued me.  She made me realize that my life was not my own. I had to be a better woman so she could have a better role model.  I wasn’t satisfied with the women I was seeing in the media and around the community.  I began to feel like a standard had not been set that I was satisfied with my daughter following.  So I had to set the standard.  Form the way I dress to the way I talk to the way I eat, even to the way I wore my hair.  I now had this little mini ME watching ME! And I wanted to make sure that I was doing everything I possibly could to give her exactly what she needed to be a woman that I could be proud of, she could be proud of, we all can be proud of.

So at the age of four, when that little girl started to refer to herself as ugly, and not pretty, and not good enough, I knew I had to do something drastic if I wanted to make sure that she never associated those negative connotations with herself ever again.  When ask why she felt this way, she stated that she wanted long, pretty hair like she saw on TV and on her school friends.  You see, my little girl didn’t have any hair until she was almost four years old.  And only then did it begin to grow ever so slowly.  For a little girl not to be able to wear barrettes and ribbons in her hair at such a young age is devastating.  I tried my best to pour into her as many compliments and positive affirmations as I could.  But she wouldn’t listen.  Every time we went near a beauty supply store she would play in the wigs and weaves daydreaming of one day having her own luscious locks.  She walked around with a beach towel on her head pretending that it was long wavy hair when she was at home playing with her older brother.  I watched in agony as she would beg me to attempt to braid or twist enough hair on her head for her to wear a ponytail, then cry when I was unsuccessful.

Fast forward two years, my little girl was developing a complex about her looks, and I felt helpless.  One day, as I attempted to explain to her, yet again, that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, all colors of the rainbow, and with or without wigs, weaves, and extensions.  I told her that she was beautiful even without hair.  After sitting quietly for a moment, my baby girl looked me straight in the eyes and said, “You can say that Mommy, you have long pretty hair.” That little revelation hit me like a ton of bricks.  She was right! How could I convince her that beauty was only skin deep, when I had the same look she was so longing to have?  How could I instill in her confidence in her appearance without completely understanding how she was feeling?  She will probably never know how that day changed my life.  Her words affected me so much that I went and got all my own hair cut off 3 days later.

She LOVED it!! Now we looked like twins.  And to her satisfaction, Mommy’s hair was now shorter than hers, and Mommy was still beautiful!! Some people think I was a little drastic, but I say if I don’t do it, then who will?  I didn’t do it just because my daughter wanted me to, or because it was a fashion statement, or even because I needed a new look.  I did it for the lessons that she learned:  1. Beauty really isn’t just what’s on the outside, but inside your heart, 2. Mommy is willing to do whatever it takes to show her how much I love her, and 3. No hair is just as beautiful (if not more so) as long hair. ;-)

In doing this, I realized that “going natural” was more than just about cutting all my hair off for my daughter and deciding not to relax again.  I started to learn more and more about the harmful chemicals that we unknowingly put into our body through our skin and hair.  My perception began to change and so did my desire to live a healthy lifestyle in every way that I could.  But many healthy choices got to be a little pricey on my pockets.  I loved to use those well-known, highly effective products out there, but my budget couldn’t handle it.  After doing more research, and seeking God for clarity and direction, Gracious Gardens, LLC was born.  God has given us everything we need to lead a healthy life AND be beautiful right in the earth.  Every gift of His hands had been graciously given to us to use to build up our temple.  We just have to take advantage of them.

Welcome to the garden.  Take a look around and enjoy all the benefits that natural ingredients offer. Everything here is from the garden with love…

Be Blessed!!

What am I doing wrong?

26 Feb

Ok, I will admit.  I am not perfect.  I have my flaws, my bad days, my attitudes, and my faulty opinions.  But I try to treat everyone with dignity and respect.  I try to treat others the way I want to be treated.  I try not to hurt any one.  But it seems like I am never good enough.  I try to make friends and build relationships, but that is very hard to do when you have never had a good example.  And I guess I’m not doing a very good job at it because I find myself alone more than I want to be.  I desire to be able to hang out with good friends on a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday night without feeling like I have to prove that I am worthy to be friends with.  I desire to be able to call a good friend and just talk about some things that are bothering me without a condescending or ridiculing tone at the other end of the line.  I desire to have someone in my life that will not write me off when they don’t like my point of view but try to understand where I’m coming from, even if they still don’t agree.  I desire to be able to to trust someone with my friendship and have them trust me.

My goal is not to use or abuse anyone.  No, I don’t have a lot of money, but my home is open to a good friend any day of the week.  My ears are available to listen and understand.  And my words are only to encourage and strengthen.  I am not perfect, and I am not looking for a perfect friend, but I would like someone who is willing to be there for me, even when they don’t agree with me.  I try not to over-react or look too deeply into something that could possibly just be a mis-communication.  But I am not perfect.  I can not be a perfect friend.  And when I am feeling like you don’t want me around, I just keep to myself, so to not offend you, until I can express my feelings in a non-hostile way, or until you have dealt with whatever is bothering you.  But I can not and will not be abused.

I am learning that friendships are a lot like marriages.  You have to be careful who you consider a friend.  Take your time, and don’t toss that word around lightly.  You can’t just ignore a problem or act like nothing is wrong.  That only breeds confusion and bitterness and mis-understanding.  And if both parties aren’t willing to let the other grow at their own pace, yet be a guiding light, then it is a waste of time.  And I think that is where my problem comes in, I try so hard to do things exactly the way the other person wants me to that I lose myself.  Then, when I have had enough, I get offended because I never spoke up for myself in the beginning when I first started to feel like my uniqueness and individuality is not being appreciated.  By no means am I blaming the other person, these are just revelations that I am learning about myself.

This month, the leaders at my church have been talking about Godly love and how important it is.  I know the bulk of their messages are about loving other people through tough situations, but for me they are about loving myself.  I am afraid I lost a good friend because instead of letting go of my own fears and insecurities, I let myself get lost in what they thought I should be or do.  So much so that when the real me started to come through, they could not appreciate or understand or possibly accept me.  At the same time, maybe they saw something in me that reminded them of another person who may have hurt them in the past.  Which was not AT ALL my intention.  I’m just so used to not having anyone to confide in that I wanted to do everything right so that someone would treasure me, my friendship.  But GOD has a way of teaching you things so that you don’t even realize there was a lesson until you pass the test.

I am learning that although people are nice to have around you, their approval and acceptance in not necessary for me to to be who I am.  I am learning that my “works” will never be good enough to prove my “worth.”  I am learning that although a man must show himself friendly, there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.  And I am learning that I cannot change who I am and that I should stop trying to, those who are meant to be in my life will love me just the way I am.  Trying to adjust to someone else’s personality was never part of being a good friend, but it was definitely the beginning of a demise of a great friendship.

I pray that I have not lost that friend, but even if I have, I learned a valuable lesson that will not have to repeat.

Be Blessed!

Frustration…

10 Feb

I have recently made some very drastic decisions about my life and where I want to go from here.  I have decided to let go of all my past hurts, fears, reservations, and apprehensions.  I have decided that I will no longer hide behind the familiarity or loneliness of isolation.  But I never realized how truly difficult this would be!?!?  I mean, all I have ever done was spend time with me.  And when I had children, the three of us became inseparable.  What am I supposed to do now?  How am I supposed to act? And why in the world would I want to risk my delicate psyche on fallible people?!?! But this decision, like all, is not based solely on my own emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being, but also on that of my children.  How can I teach them to be confident and engaging and socially conscience if I am neither of those things?  I can’t fuss at my son for not making friends if I’m hiding from the world.  And how is my daughter supposed to decipher between friends and frienemies if her mother doesn’t allow anyone to get past the front door.

There are so many things that I want to do with my life, but for so long I have talked myself out of doing them because of fear. I mean, who am I to succeed at anything?  I came from nothing, grew up with nothing, lived in nothing, and am going to die with nothing, right?!  If that is true,  why do I feel so compelled to do MORE!?!?  Why do I want more, desire more, strive for more?  It’s like a catch 22 in my life.  I want to be better, do better, give more; yet I am terrified of humiliation and failure. Thoughts run through my mind  that tell me that I am wasting my time and I need to go sit down somewhere and be quiet before I stir up something that I really don’t want.  Or even better, ‘why would anyone want to be stuck with me and my two children, they have better things to do with their time’.  And the worst one, ‘Things have always been this way and no matter what I do, they aren’t ever going to change, so why even try?’  Two weeks ago, I validated these thoughts because I believed they were true.  I would tell myself that thinking I could do or be better was just my imagination running away with me.  Instead of going forward in my dreams, I talked myself into giving them up completely.  And now here I am trying to revive them again.

This is not an easy task.  Though I am comforted in the realization that whatever God has called me to be, I will be, regardless of how I sabotage myself-which I do, we all do if we are truthful with ourselves.  But trying to do this and constantly having to chastise myself for all the negativity I think on a daily basis is difficult.  Sometimes I remember and correct myself, other times, I get weighed down with the daunting task at hand and start to retreat back into my shell.  :-(   Oh, but greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world!!  I’m just getting started on this journey and it is definitely going to be a long road ahead.  Maybe I will achieve some of the goals that I originally had, maybe not.  But anything has to be better than this.

Be Blessed!!

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‘Til death do us part…

27 Jan

I, _____, take you ______, to be my wedded husband/wife. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, ’till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

Many of us say and recite these words at our wedding ceremony without really understanding the depth and significance of them.  Many of us hear them and get nostalgic at the thought of getting married and all the Good that comes with the title. But many of us also fail to realize that these words are an outward confession before God and man that you will be there through the good AND the bad!!!  Yes, there are many bad things that can happen; job less, abuse, infidelity, childlessness.  And although all of those situations are extremely stressful and difficult to overcome, many people fail to realize the impact and magnitude that death can bring.  I was unfortunate enough to have to deal with this at a very young age.  I will say that it was the HARDEST thing that I have ever had to deal with in my life and it has taken me a LONG time to do so.  My prayer is that my words here will not only bring light to the turmoil and severity of grief, but encouragement for someone that not all days will be crying days and that it is ok to let go.  It is a continual process, but the day will come when you can smile genuinely again.

I remember it as clearly as if it happened yesterday.  I was talking to my sponsor while in-processing at my very first duty station after completing Army basic training.  He asked if I had any family coming and I proudly and confidently replied that my husband was only a few hours away.  He was driving from Va to Ga in our brand new car.  We had only been married 5 months and I spent 4 of those in Army training.  We were excited to start our life together, young, full of expectation, and ready for the world.  Little did I know, but at the moment that I was allowing myself to fly forward into our future in my imagination, he was hurdling uncontrollably into the opposite direction of traffic into the the direct path of two tractor trailers.  The impact was fatal, so he felt no pain.  At least, that is what they told me.  But how could I not torment myself for the next several years over the fact that he probably knew that things weren’t going to end well as he watched himself barreling towards those trucks, fighting to control the wheel.  The consultation, they said, was that he was not drunk, speeding, sleepy, or distracted. REALLY?!?! Was that supposed to make me feel better?!?!?

To add insult to injury, I did not even find out about the accident until 12 hours later when I called my dad after my husband did not show up at the time we had discussed.  Maybe he got lost? Or stopped somewhere to rest and would be there a little later.  The furthest thing from my mind was that something as horrible as a car accident would take him from me.  My father was near hysteria when I called him.  You see, the authorities assumed that I was also in the car and spent several hours attempting to find my body that they thought was thrown from the car.  Because we were moving, my husband had many of my things in the car with him which lead the authorities to think that I was with him.  The last time I saw my husband was from the window of the airport as he was waving goodbye to me as my flight was taking off.  I remember begging him to let me stay and make the drive with him and him insisting that I needed to sign in on time and not be delayed.  This was my first duty station and he wanted to make sure that I made a good impression on my leadership. I can’t tell you how many times I prayed and wished that I had insisted on not leaving him.  I beat myself up for years about how if I had been with him, the accident may not have happened or at least we would have died together…

Little did I know that finding out about the accident was the easy part.  The next 14 years, I spent blaming myself, cursing myself, and sabotaging my own success because I didn’t feel worthy to live.  Why should I be successful or find happiness when he died?  I let guilt tell me that I had no right to find love anywhere else, and I let the world tell me how I should mourn and react to his death.  For years, I ran away from close relationships and ostracized myself from friends and family for fear that if I cared too much about anyone, then they would suffer the same fate.  You see, I had convinced myself that I was the reason he died.  It was all my fault. And if anyone ever found out then the same thing would happen to them.  I played over and over in my head horrible scenarios of the people I knew dying in plane crashes and car accidents.  And when I had children, I became paralyzed with fear that they would die soon as well. I never wanted to have them out of my sight.  No, they couldn’t visit family, friends, or any one else.  They couldn’t have friends over because I didn’t want to be responsible if something happen to another child under my watch.  Oh, and that was just the beginning.

Success became something that I never took seriously because I had convinced myself that just living each day was enough punishment for me.  That is what I was doing.  I had been punishing myself for his death. He was his mother’s oldest child, only son, and the first grandchild.  He was the love of his entire family and anyone else who knew him. Yet he chose me.  A nobody.  I never felt special growing up, yet in high school, he thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world.  But why did I have to take him from his family?!?! If he had never married me, if he had never left to be with me, if we had never met…then he would still be alive today.  This guilt wracked my emotions so badly that I even stayed away from his family feeling that they hated me and had every right to.  I took away their son, their brother, their nephew, their cousin.  I was the enemy.

I sought counseling at one point.  But that only made things worse.  The first counselor that I saw was in remission of her cancer when we started our sessions.  Sadly, within 3 months of meeting with her, the cancer came back with a vengeance and claimed her life. If that wasn’t enough to shake my already frail mental and emotional state, the exact some thing happened with the next counselor I saw!!  I am not sure if she lived because as soon as she told me the cancer was back, I stopped seeing her hoping that my bad luck would fall off of her.  I would not be able to handle the thought of someone else dieing because of me.  I know that sounds ridiculous, but this is the reality of where I was at the time.  I couldn’t see and understand that these circumstances had nothing to do with me.  All I could see was that I was the common denominator.

We got married young. I was 17 and he was 18.  I was not old enough or mature enough to understand that ’til death do us part meant exactly that. So every time I started a new relationship, I began to feel like I was cheating om my husband.  I never gave any of them a fighting chance.  I didn’t deserve happiness, and on top of that, how was I going to explain this new man to my husband when we all died and got to heaven.  I would imagine my husband being furious and hurt that I had moved on and found someone new.  How could I so easily replace him? What happened to all the love I proclaimed?  This was the hardest part for me.  How could I truly move on? I had pledged my life to this man, and I took those vows seriously.  Every year, I forced myself to relive the agony of his death in order to stay focused on why I could never let him go.  I had convinced myself that this is how I am supposed to feel, to live.  I am NEVER supposed to forget. Yet that is exactly what started to happen…

I started to forget his voice, his touch, his face. And I became angry at myself all over again for not holding up my end of the deal.  He died, the least I could do is remember him!! Yes, I still have pictures of him, but I shouldn’t have to look at a picture to remember that man I profess before God and man to love for eternity.  But that’s it. That’s the revelation that I overlooked.  I didn’t promise eternity.  I promised til death. ‘Til death do us part means that when he died, my vow was broken.  That wasn’t a bad thing, it just meant that it was just over.  It is ok to forget sometimes.  I don’t expect to remember him exactly when I am 50. And he doesn’t care at this point because he is GONE. Forever.  He is no longer of this world.  And truth be told, because he loved me so much, he would be hurt to know how much I put myself through all of these years.  He would not want me to be still holding on to him like this.  He would hug me and kiss me and tell me that it is ok and it is time to let him go.

The bible says to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. So that is where he is, with God.  Probably praying and making intercession for me.  Pleading with Jesus to ask His father to send peace to my heart.  Asking him to deliver me because for such a long time, I couldn’t see for myself that I needed deliverance.  Even now, as I type this, there are no tears falling.  For the time for tears has long since passed.  I thank and praise God that I was able to love him and cherish him for the time that he was with me, but he is gone now and I have to make room in my heart for the blessing that God has for me.  In order to do that, I have to serve an eviction notice to the guilt and fear that has lived there for so long.  As the Apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 15:55 “…Death has been swallowed in victory…O Death, where is your sting?…”

Today marks 14 years since I lost my first love. In the years past, I have always dreaded this day because it conjured old feelings of loss, pain, heartache, and longing. This day always reminded me of the happiness I lost and feared that I would never find again. This day has always had me regretful and depressed. But the time has come for me to let it go. I can no longer cry for him and wish things were different. He is gone and no matter how much I try, I can not bring him back. From this day forward, although I will NEVER forget you Frederick Antwan Johnson, I can no longer mourn your death, I must celebrate your life. Every year the guilt of possibly forgetting you and how much you meant to me, yet not being able to visit your grave as I’d like has kept me from letting you go. But I can’t continue to allow that devil to hold me hostage, stuck in the past. I love you and will never forget you, but from this day forward may you rest in peace. 7/22/79-1/27/98

Be Blessed!!

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Resistance is Futile…

17 Jan

These are my personal thoughts not necessarily intended for your pleasure.  But I know that I am not the only person out there who has similar thoughts at times.  Prayerfully my words of frustration may help someone else know that they are not alone.  Over the next ten days, I will be blogging about my feelings and my thoughts about certain situations that are going on in my life.  In my journey to encourage you all to be the most beautiful person God created you to be, I want you to see and understand that sometimes, we all go through hard times, but there is still no excuse for not walking in your destiny.  I am not perfect, nor do I claim to be, this is just my chosen avenue to express what I am feeling right now in my life.  I am not concerned with whether you like it or agree with it. But I do hope it helps…

Believe me, I have tried to fight.  I have tried to run.  I have tried to hide.  But He even says in His word “…If I make my bed in Hell, You are there…” Psalms 139:8  When we really take time to think about it, there is absolutely no point in trying to fight with God.  We can kick, scream, threaten, rebel, curse, and what ever else you can figure out to do, it does not matter. It is all pointless, because whatever God has purpose to do in your life HE WILL DO!!!  There is nothing that you can say or do to hinder His time frame or change His mind. This is why God so awesome.  His word WILL NOT come back to Him void (Isaiah 55:11).  I mean really, would you want to serve a God that gives you broken promises? I didn’t think so.

But that still leaves me in the position of being angry, scared and resistant.  My friends have even compared me to the likes of Moses and Jonah.  Moses because he spent 40 years wandering in the desert because he ran from God and Jonah, who thought he could run and hide from God, but instead ended up the in belly of a whale when he rebelled.  And in my stubbornness, I have whole-heartedly agreed with both comparisons.  Did I already know?  Of course I did.  But that didn’t stop me from ignoring the call and trying to convince myself that if no one else noticed or said anything, then maybe it wasn’t true.

I don’t think I am worthy, but it is obviously not my call to make. He says that “…my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways…” so it is not for me to see or even understand how this will all happen.  He only wants me to be willing, as a matter of fact, He really doesn’t need me to be willing.  If I continue to be stubborn and rebel, I will find myself in a position where I will be begging Him to use me as I pray for forgiveness of my disobedience. A very dear friend told me today that “as we grow in faith, God wants, expects, and requires more” from us.  To be honest, I don’t want anymore. I am content where I am, to a point.  I mean, I would like to get just a little bit closer to Him, but not enough to invoke REAL change or deliverance in my life.  I was comfortable not getting too close, yet stay close enough that I wasn’t going to burn in hell when I die.

But that is not really the way this all works.  I can’t expect to live an abundant life without submitting myself completely and totally to Him. I can’t cry and moan and complain to Him about how bad my life is if I won’t accept His plan for it.  I can’t be mad and give up on God, when I really haven’t allowed Him to fix the problems.  And when I think about it, I have no where else to go.  I have been serving Him for so long, that reverting back to the ways of the world is not an option.  I couldn’t go back if I wanted to.  I have His scent all over me. It’s almost like running away to a city that you haven’t visited since you were a young child.  Everything is so unfamiliar to you, and although many people know and remember who you used to be, you can no longer claim this place as your home.  You look different, think different, act different, and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t get comfortable in that place anymore.  It’s not like it used to be.

Basically I have found myself in a position where I can continue to resist-and suffer, or I can submit and wait and watch God work a miracle in my life, because that is EXACTLY what it is going to take from Him to get me to where He wants me to be.  It’s going to be long and difficult, and I will probably starting fighting all over again tomorrow, but we all know what the outcome will be.

Pray for me and if you happen to run into me on facebook, twitter, or in person, encourage me, please.  Remind me of Matthew 28:20 “…and be sure of this, I am with you always, even until the end of the age…”

Be Blessed!

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My letter to God…

16 Jan

These are my personal thoughts not necessarily intended for your pleasure.  But I know that I am not the only person out there who has similar thoughts at times.  Prayerfully my words of frustration may help someone else know that they are not alone.  Over the next ten days, I will be blogging about my feelings and my thoughts about certain situations that are going on in my life.  In my journey to encourage you all to be the most beautiful person God created you to be, I want you to see and understand that sometimes, we all go through hard times, but there is still no excuse for not walking in your destiny.  I am not perfect, nor do I claim to be, this is just my chosen avenue to express what I am feeling right now in my life.  I am not concerned with whether you like it or agree with it. But I do hope it helps…

Dear Lord,

I know you are all powerful and your ways are perfect, but there are questions that I have that I hope you will answer.  There are so many things that are wrong is this world.  I know your initial intention was not for your children to live like this and you have provided us a means to be reconciled back to you through the death, burial, and resurrection of your son, Jesus.  But I can’t help but wonder why you even allow things to go on as they do? I’m sure you see that many of us have grown stubborn in our hearts and refused to even believe that you exist.  Others of us affirm your existence, but prefer to categorize you with other scientifically proven theories about the creation of life through a series of over-processed theories agreed upon by mortals who can not truly explain the hows and whats of their own life.  There are others that have picked apart your word to create a form of religion that they use to justify to themselves that their version and understanding of how you are is the only acceptable way and any who do not believe in you as they do is an admonishment against you.  And there are others of us who have accepted you as god in their own terms in their own way, only believing what they choose to believe as it relates to how they wish to live their life.  At what point is enough enough?

Then there are people in this world that have used their knowledge and understanding of you to manipulate and coerce others to follow their path for your redemption only to improve their own personal quality of life.  Thousands of people follow them believing that they are honest ad trustworthy and truly lead by you, only to find out during a bitter public scandal that their personal lives are a mess.   Then, the ones that you truly have called are subjected to such ridicule and persecution.  They give so much of themselves for your people and sacrifice time with their own families and for some, their own lives.  They are forced to persuade skeptical members to believe in the power of your word and tithe and pay offering just so your house can be sustained.  Then they are publicly scrutinized for each action they take and put on a pedestal and expected to be perfect when in reality, they are still human.  And yet you called me and wonder why I run from you.

In my own life, I have tried to follow your word and stay focused on you only to fall short several times.  I have begged and prayed, and begged and prayed for you to help me be a better person.  So many people have taken my kindness for weakness and abuse me and my children.  I have opened my heart to them and they have trampled over it, only after they have used up what ever they could get from me.  I have loved and lost, loved and grieved, and love and been stabbed in the back, even after I prayed for your guidance about the relationship.  I have made more mistakes and lacked belief in you.  I’ve hated and loved you and cursed and begged for your forgiveness.  I have walked away from you and ignored your people as they tried to help.  I don’t pray or read your word like I should because I lack the tenacity to to stay focused and persevere even though the pain.  I have refused to pray to you because of my sins and don’t believe that I am worthy of your blessings.  Why would you bless me after all the wrong I have done?

And yet you called me?!?!? I don’t want this.  You don’t want me. Why would anyone listen to me?  I don’t trust people, I don’t like to get attached, I am moody, I am stubborn, and I am a single mother.  People are not trustworthy, they stir up drama and trouble.  They are nosy and hurtful.  And I would much rather be left alone, only to deal with them on my terms.  On top of all that, I am afraid of you.  I am afraid that you will strip me of even more and I am not sure that I can take it.  I have already lost one person that I loved very much, I don’t think I can handle losing anyone else.  In addition, I want to go to school to finish my degree, but it seems that everything is against me.  And now I find out that this was all in your plan to begin with.  I’m not even sure if I want to finish now.  Now I feel like if I don’t do things your way, my life is not going to get any better.  As a matter of fact, it will probably get a whole lot worse.  This is just not fair!!!!  Where is the balance between walking your path for my life and still be who I am? You knew me in my mother’s womb, so you already knew how hard this would be for me. So tell me how to accept it. How do I let go of all those past hurts and frustrations enough to trust that your will for my life is sovereign and infallible? And then, what am I supposed to do now?

I guess I wrote all this just to ask…Why me, God?  Why me?

What are you worried about?

10 Jan

“Martha, Martha,…you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed-or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41-42

During the first month of the year, many churches across the country, including mine, spend this time in consecration in order to more clearly hear from God about what His plans are for their lives, their ministries, and their future.  Consecration means to be dedicated to the service or work of a deity (God). Yet many of us do the exact opposite during this time.  We spend our time dieting in stead of fasting and then to feel better about the whole experience, we pray and ask God for forgiveness, help, and validation that we are doing it right instead of merely seeking Him and His will for our lives.  This time should not be about what WE want to do in this next year, but seeking God and getting closer to Him so that our actions throughout the year reflect His plan and purpose, not just for our own lives, but also for those that we are connected to.  We should not be spending this time trying to figure out how to make this fast less challenging, if we are truly consecrating ourselves before the Lord, the sacrifice of food that we are making is completely irrelevant, so much so that the reality is that you should be repulsed by the thought of food and what little nourishment you are receiving is simply to sustain you to do the work of the kingdom.

Instead many of us are crying and whining to God about the mistakes we made int he past and how we want Him to help us do better int he future.  God is not concerned about our past mistakes, and He only wants us to be totally submitted to Him so that He can carry us through our future.  We were never meant to walk it alone-in any sense of the word.  Even in the garden of Eden, after God created Eve to be a helpmeet for Adam, He was still there to carry them, lead them, and guide them.  They did not worry about what they would wear, or what they would eat, or if their career or educational goals would be achieved (Matt 6:25-34).  They spent their days seeking only to please God.

This can be difficult for us as humans to understand.  What do you mean don’t worry about the future?  How am I going to feed my kids, pay the rent, plan for my future? But what we fail to remember is the God holds the future in His hands.  It has already been determined.  Regardless of what we do or say, or WORRY about, it is already done.  It is taken care of so there is no need to worry.  When is the last time you have seen birds die of starvation?  Even the roaches lived through the Ice Age!! So what makes you think that God cares for you any less?! He made you ruler over ALL these things (Gensis 1:26-30)!!

So stop worrying!  God’s got your back.

Be Blessed!!

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Happy New Year!!!!!

1 Jan

 

Make this year the first year of the BEST YEARS of the rest of your life!!!

Be Blessed!

Reflecting on the Year…

31 Dec

As we prepare to close this year out and begin another, I took time today to reflect on this year and everything that came with it.  This has definitely been a trying year for me.  I can not for certain say that I am ended it better than I started, but I can say that I am ending it a much different person than I started.  I saw myself as I haven’t ever seen me before. I gained and lost friends.  I inspired some and disgusted others.  I grew in some areas, and in others, I realized that I still have a lot of growing up to do.

This year, I became the mother of a pre-teen, and a very intelligent third-grader (I swear she has been here before. Lol).  I looked at my children this year and realized that they will not be mine forever, and that they aren’t even mine now.  My children are gifts on loan and this year taught me that I can only encourage them to cherish each day that they are given and to take full advantage of every opportunity and adventure that is afforded to them.  This year, I realized just how much my healthy outlook on my life and future affects them in EVERY way.  I realized that right now, I am all they have, so I have to be all that I can be so that they are free to do the same.

This year, I took a hard look at myself and saw all my flaws.  I saw everything that I failed to let go that was holding me back.  I saw all the things that I ignored and hoped would just go away because my fear paralyzed me and would not allow me to be free.  This year, I saw the person I was and no longer want to be.  I understood that this change HAS to start inside of me and started taking baby steps to make it happen.  This year, I attempted to set aside every thing that has kept me full of JUNK and tried to really and truly let it go.  I did not succeed in everything, but I learned that it can be done.  And that it actually hurts less than you think.

This year, I did my best to stop buffering myself from the hardness and the pain of difficult circumstances.  I got stronger, and started to tear down some walls. There are still quite a few left, but for me…it’s a start.  I have a long road ahead of me, but I am confident and on my way to a more healthy relationship with myself because of the steps I have taken this year.

2012 will be very different for me and my family. I will no longer be afraid of myself and my potential.  I will learn to embrace it and drive full speed ahead into my destiny and the life that God called me to lead.  This may not make sense to many of you, but it makes perfect sense to me.  This year, I realized that my beautiful was not in the sway of my hips or the curve of my smile.  It is not in the seduction of my voice or the power of my walk.  My beauty is found in the confidence that I have in myself, the faith  I have in God, and the fear that I am learning to overcome each and every day.  My beauty is the the relationships I have with the people in my life.  My beauty is in the love my children have for me and the love I return to them.  My beauty is in realizing my worth, and if I haven’t learned anything else in 2011, I learned to love me for who I am.

My prayer today for each if you is to find this same peace in the coming year if you have not already.  Beauty is not measured by what we see on TV or by what another individual thinks of us.  It is measured by the person staring back at us when we look in the mirror.  When they say that ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder,’ they are talking about you.  When you look at yourself and see yourself as beautiful, there is nothing that anyone can say or do that will change the way you view the world.

Happy New Year!!

Be Blessed!

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